Conflict dissolution

Don't you wish they'd just fall in line. Don't you just love to bring the hammer down. That is if you're perfect...

We all have to deal with conflict. In communications you're always finding people breaking the rules. You know the guys stretching you're square logo to fill an 8.5x11, misspelling your web address on they're promo materials, rearranging the vision statement to fit their needs.

I've been thinking for a long time on how to deal with those conflicts and misunderstandings. For one, I'm a really straightforward guy. Some people like that, they know where I stand immediately, other times it hinders me from being able to be heard. If you rub someone the wrong way they stop listening.

So here's what I've discovered for myself, and it seems to work. I've based it on watching my mentors and hearing what scripture has to say on peacemaking.

1. Affirm that you have a relationship. Let the person know how you feel about them, not the situation. I often love the person that I'm talking to and that makes it all the more difficult. Also doing this helps bring the group together towards a solution and not the blame game.
2. Before you ever start, identify if this a personal, work or spiritual problem. Each has their own unique way of being handled. That's not to say that all of them shouldn't be addressed but some are more clear cut than others.
3. Bring a positive/Be a part of the solution. I learned this from my mentor and friend Randy Renbarger. Instead of ever coming down on someone he always offers a solution. Instead of looking at someone and asking why they did this or that without consulting communications he instead asked how he could help. He knew they weren't out to get him so instead he went strait to the heart of the problem, they didn't know they could get help.
4. If you do need to address the hurts bring specifics. Don't say things like "you always" or "I can't remember when but you did." If you're bringing a hurt it's on you to address the specifics. Most people want to help and don't want to have wronged you. Not bringing examples puts them in the conundrum of wanting to help but not being able to.
5. Go to the person responsible, quickly. Don't talk about it with anyone who does not need to be involved. Do it quickly so that hurts don't fester. We all know times when we've put off discussing something only to find out that once we did the person was incredibly sorry and never knew they had offended. I will always miss time I could have spent with friends over perceived wrongs.

So that's my model. I'd love to hear if you do something different, would add something to the list, or have a hard time with one piece. Obviously different situations and relationships call for different angles, but for me these have proved to be a foundation to build on.

_sl