WARNING: Adult language.
All day long I talk about God. I pray before meetings and in groups. This morning I thought that my worst sin was attempting to steal glory from God (which in Christian work is like saying "I'm too much of a perfectionist" in a job interview). I end my prayers with "I love you and praise you."
Tonight though I came face-to-face with how little that has taken root in my life.
Sarah and I were driving through the neighborhoods around our home looking at Christmas lights, laughing and cutting up, our two dogs in the back. We found this cute little community and were talking about her parents living there or maybe us one day. There was even an adorable Airedale (dog) in the front yard.
Next thing I know there's a middle age man screaming at me, cursing, threatening. I stopped and tried to take stock of the situation but I think my senses had already left, along with the love of Christ. Before I knew it I'd called him names, cursed back at him, threatened to call the police for his lack of adherence to the leash law and as I drove away I flipped him off, only to hear "fuck you" as we left.
The whole thing only lasted one, maybe two minutes but it was enough to ruin the last three hours of our evening.
But, this isn't about us. It's about Christ and the fact that for some reason he never entered the scene. Not because he couldn't but because I didn't call on him. I "took care of it" under my own power. To be honest, I felt like I'd really shut this guy up, gotten him good. Don't get me wrong, the guy was definitely the agressor and I think drunk but I was the one the really showed how little I had allowed God to indwell me.
Where was the new creation, the peace, patience? Where was the spirit of reconciliation--the evidence that anything was different in my life than his? Absent. I'm a fraud.
This guy could have been drinking because he lost his job. Maybe another guy did go down his street and hit his dog. Maybe his wife is cheating on him.
Yeah, I guess I got him good. I guess I got the last word. But, isn't that like getting the bigger bowl of dessert, the one that makes you sick. The sweet taste of victory that causes your soul to lurch in an attempt to vomit it back up.
So, for now the Christmas lights are off, the wrapping looks a little paler, there's no carols to sing. My sin separates me from the joy of the love that Christ showed us as he became man.
I know I'll pray for forgiveness, I even know I want to find that guy and apologize but somehow Christmas just lost a little something for me, at least this year.
